Reflections
Reflecting on my past is something I have never done as I tried to forget my childhood and pushed it out of mind. I have actually forgotten about 70% of the days of when I was growing up, because the days I had were only hurtful and unbearable. Now as I look back at my childhood and think about the trauma that has been afflicted on me I can understand why I couldn’t adapt well to new places. When my mum had cancer it was a big scare and as she is still in the midst of remission it still frightens me because according to ‘the breast cancer foundation’, In New Zealand 3000 woman on average are diagnosed with Breast Cancer every year and resulting in over 600 deaths. It has been discovered that being Maori or Pacific Islander means that you have a higher risk of dying from breast cancer and therefore it is important to encourage family members to get checked.
As for Steve, I can't remember a single good memory I had with him and I can only remember flinches of the most horrible hidings and punishments I received for the most unreasonable reasons. To think that I am related or share the same blood as him is embarrassing and hard to come to terms with. He is without a doubt a cruel and careless person. I feel that as I continued to grow up the horror of my childhood defiantly impacted me when I met strangers, other males or teachers. I always thought that I deserved what I did as I grew up as I knew nothing different. I wish I had reported what had happened to the police and spoken to my mum to prevent what further happened.
According to ‘family, violence is not okay’ In New Zealand, 76% of Domestic violence is not reported to police. In 2014 it was recorded that on average every five and a half minutes the New Zealand police had to investigate a household of Domestic violence. In New Zealand, the reported statistics for Domestic violence have increased around 25,000 in only 3 years. People need to understand that family domestic is a very serious problem in our country and that it is not okay.
As I continue to reflect on my childhood not all of it was bad as I had my mum with me and my ‘adoptive’ dads who took me in and reassured me that I was loved. I haven’t spoken in detail about what had happened to me and I realized as I wrote it I began to feel relieved and free from what I had tried so hard to hide and forget. To announce what kind of person my real dad is was actually quite difficult and I was hesitant to write in detail as it is hard to think about and would be challenging for my family members to read. I was reluctant to share this with my family members because I know people have similar situations however I built up the courage to expose my childhood so that other people in my family have the strength they need to move past the problems they have, just as I do.
When writing everything down, I released my emotions within the text and was able to understand that my childhood should not hold me back from being the person I want to be and what happened to me should not shape me or make me feel judged in anyway, because what happened to me was not my fault.
It's time for me to accept that what happened was wrong but it did happen and now I should move on.
Sia Caldwell.
Helplines:
Breast Cancer NewZealand: Toll-free on 0800 902 732
Domestic Violence: Shine Line Available 24/7 on 0508-744-633
References:
The Breast Cancer Foundation NZ.
https://www.breastcancerfoundation.org.nz/breast-cancer
Family Violence It's Not Okay.
http://areyouok.org.nz/family-violence/statistics/
Reflection 1:
Blog posts 1 to 5
Wow, some heavy stuff. For this final reflection post, I will be reflecting over the last 3 chapters. These chapters were actually harder to write than the others. I think this because they focused on me and acceptance into different groups and communities. The problems I faced when I was bullied really impacted on the way I interacted and spoke to others. I found myself pretending to be okay in front of others and acting as if life was fine. As time went by I began to resent not only others but also myself.
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Bullying is a very serious issue in schools and amoung teenagers and I don’t think people really understand the true affects it has on a childs learning and ability to develop social skills. A lot of people say “it’s just kids being kids” however it’s not like that for the victims. New Zealand need to spread bullying awarness to help victims struggling in schools. A lot of bullying leads to depression and axiety and can result in eating disorders, social issues and can even lead to suicide. It’s important we halp the younger generations to feel safe in a school environment and put a voice in place to stop bullies from bullying.
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The bullies that bullied me to this day have never apologized and I'm sure they never will. I don't think they understand or know about it the negative and severe impact they actually did. I realized that as I was writing this that there are probably millions of other kids who have had similar or worst experiences. It's never easy being alone and it becomes stressful when you try to change yourself to fit in with others.
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From these posts, i've had the chance to reflect on not only the negatives but also the positives and I now realize how truly grateful I am to the Korean community, my family and friends for truly supporting me and helping me get through my dark times.
I now have a place that I can feel comfortable to me in and I have a great group of friends and people around me to help me up when I'm down, I've come to see that life isn't always what it is at the beginning and that sometimes you have to push through the hard and difficult times to get the better and richer things that are waiting ahead.
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This project has been very benefiting and I'm really glad I got the opportunity to speak about the scars and hidden secrets I had, I feel relieved and free from the past and from what I was holding in and too scared to talk about. Everyone has the right to an opinion and I guess I was always worried that people would judge me from my past but I feel like I've grown an extra 3 feet and I'm now ready for life and the new memories I'll make.
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Sia Caldwell.
Helplines:
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Eating disorder support NZ: Toll-free on 0800 2 EDANZ
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Domestic Violence: Shine Line Available 24/7 on 0508-744-633
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References:
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Eating disorder support NZ
Bullying free NZ
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Depression NZ
Reflection 2:
Blog posts 6 to 8
